\
Household Repairs

This woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit in front of the TV, eat dinner, and sit some more. He would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of. This frustrated the woman quite a bit.
One day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said sweetly, "Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?"
Her husband snarled, "What do I look like? The Tidy-Bowl man?" and sat down on the sofa.
The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn't work. When her husband got home she said, very nicely, "Honey, the disposal won't work. Would you try to fix it for me?"
Once again, he growled, "What do I look? Mr. Plumber?"
The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her husband got home, she steeled her courage and said, "Honey, the washer isn't running. Would you check on it?"
And again she was met with a snarl, "What do I look like? The Maytag repairman?"
Finally, she had enough. The next morning, the woman called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer.
When her husband got home, she said, "Honey, I had the repairmen out today."
He frowned, "Well, how much is that going to cost?"
"Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having sex with them."
"Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?"
She smiled. "What do I look like, BETTY CROCKER?"
_______

A man six foot four with a head no larger than a grapefruit goes into this bar. He sits down and orders a drink. After serving him the bartender cannot take his eyes off this guy’s head. He finally goes over and asks him why his head is so small. The man explains, that one time while walking on the beach he found this bottle and rubbed it and a beautiful Genie popped out of the bottle and offered to grant him one wish. He said he wished to have intercourse with her. She replied that Genies were not allowed to do that. He then asked her if he could have a little head.


Pete And Martin

A well dressed man went into a bar ordered a double whiskey. He stood there sipping his drink when another man came up and said "Is that you Pete??"

Pete said "My name is Pete, but I don`t think I know you"

The second man said "You do, it`s me, Martin we used to work at the same factory together before it closed down"

Pete said "Now I remember you, but what happened to you? You are all in scruffy clothes. We got good redundancy money when we finished. What happened Martin??"

Martin said "I blew it all on cars women and drink. I'm totally broke now, but look at you Pete. All in the best clothes and I've seen your posh car outside. How did you do it??"

Pete said "Well I wanted to make my money work for me. So I thought if you have some money, London is the best place to do that.

I bought a three story house. On the first floor there was ordinary sex - just men and woman.

On the second floor homo sex - you know, men shagging men- , and on the third floor paedophile sex for them who like shagging children.

I must say I made a fortune. Mind you it was hard work : just me, the wife and the kids."
______________

The doctor tells his patient: "Mandy, I have some good news
and some bad news."
She asks for the good news first.
"Well, the test results are in, and the good news is that you
aren't suffering from Pre-menstrual Syndrome, as you'd
feared."
"And the bad news?" Mandy asks.
To which the Doc replies: "I'm afraid there's no cure for
being a natural bitch."

How To Fuck Like A Black Dude

A white guy is sitting in a bar next to a black guy. "Hey, dude," he
asks. "How's it you black dudes are so popular with the ladies?"

"Well," the black guy replies, "It is all a matter of fuckin'. When you
white guys fuck, you just stick it in and Wham! Bam! Thank you ma'am!
It's all over before it's even started. When we make love to a woman,
we tease her first, and then only when she begs for it, we stick it in
slow, and gentle like. That's the secret, man, tease her until she begs
you for it, and then slow and gentle like. Works every time."

The white guy finishes his drink and goes home. That night, in bed with
his wife, he remembers the black guy's advice. First he teases his wife
until she begs him to put it in her, and then he starts fucking her, but
very slowly and very gently.

"Hey," she says to him passionately. "When did you learn to fuck like a
black guy?"



Girls, they say the hand is quicker than the eye...
So, quick, come over here and jerk me off. No one will see you!


A guy pulls up to a little girl playing on the sidewalk and says, "Hey,
little girl, want a lollipop?"
The girl says, "My mommy told me not to take candy from strangers. But if you give me twenty bucks, I'll suck your cock."
A guy's driving by a field and sees a cow kneeling and praying and a
rabbit fucking a cat.
He says, "Holy cow, look at the hare on that pussy."